Him and Her Sex Blog

We talk about sex and sexuality


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Her: Topic #25: Cuck(h)olding

This week’s topic is about a subject that I personally find fascinating. I have spent many hours reading the subReddit for cuckolding. When I first discovered this fetish, I knew that I would have to learn more to better my own knowledge and to be able to possibly discuss the topic if it ever arose in therapy with a client. I have never participated in cuckolding and this fetish does not do anything for me sexually.

I do enjoy the fact that the woman typically holds all of the power in these kinds of situations. I also am intrigued by how much communication must go into this fetish, if it is executed in the healthiest way. To be able to be so open about a “taboo” and sensitive fetish is fantastic! I applaud the couples that manage to make their relationship work and partake in this fetish! I can see how cuckolding can be so sexy; it’s one of the ultimate ways to display dominance and submissiveness. By acting in those roles, you’re on the extreme end of the spectrum in both cases.

The variance in cuckolding is interesting, as well. There are the people that go out on dates with unsuspecting people, sleep with them, and then return home to their partner (which is what Him discussed), there are the people who seek out people who will know about their reasons for the dates and know about the fetish. I know that these couples must do a lot of research into potential partners to let one of them go off to a hotel with them or even invite this stranger into their home.

The one aspect of the fetish that I don’t really enjoy is the practice of getting specifically an African American man (typically), having him cum inside of the female (in female-male cuckold relationships) for the purpose of impregnating her, and referring to this person as a breeder. For some reason the “breeder” term irks me, probably because it makes this man animalistic and it seems like it’s an insulting term. The act reminds me of slavery, but I’m probably looking way too deeply into this.

All in all, the subject is incredibly interesting to research. I invite anyone to do their own investigation and see what they think about such a touchy topic. Feel free to shoot us an email and share any comments or suggestions with us!

-Her


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Him: Topic #25: Cuck(h)olding

Cuckolding is one of those topics that I’ve wanted to do since day one of this blog, but never really got around to actually having it be a topic. That all changed when Her decided on this weeks topic, and I did a tripple backflip. Alright, I’ll admit, that was a lie…I couldn’t do a tripple back flip if my life depended on it.

So my strategy for my post this week is to talk about some of the history and imagery associated with the term, and why I love it so much, then delve into my personal experiences with Cuckolding. I should warn you now readers, this very well might get a little…explicit. One last note before I really begin, as I seem to say often when talking about fetishes and kinks: Always talk, boldly and with no shyness, to your partner about what turns you on and gets you off. Talk to them about what scares you and what you don’t like to do or can’t do. Be open and honest and hold nothing back because this is not only about what gets you off, it’s also about your relationship as a whole. If you can’t be frank and unembarrassed with the person you’re going to fuck, then you shouldn’t be fucking that person.

Lets talk about a cuckolds horns for a little bit shall we? When I first learned about cuckolds having horns I was confused and, to be honest, had no idea what the hell was going on. The meaning behind the horns, apparently, can be traced back to Rome. In roman society, when a soldier would come home from battle he would be given bronze horns as a sign of honor and esteem. Over time though, the horns took on another meaning altogether. The adage associated with the horns was simple, it was never a good idea to leave a roman wife alone for too long. The cuckold horns came to represent a failure in the bedroom, in essence, they were a direct attack on a mans masculinity! References to cuckolding can be found all over the place in english literature, most notably in the works of Shakespeare who loved to use suspected cuckolding as a plot device.

Alight, history lesson over. Take a few breaths, slap yourself around a little, time for the fun stuff.

I’ve never been cuckolded, the thought really holds no pleasure or arousal for me at all. That being said however, I have been the other man in a cuckolded relationship. Quite recently I was asked if I would like to be the other man in yet another cuckolded relationship: Hasn’t happened yet…but something tells me it will eventually. That particular situation has some very interesting dynamics of its own, but that is for a later post.

From my personal experience there are a few ways that cuckolding can work, the basic premise is fairly straightforward. You have two individuals in a committed relationship, one of them gets to, with the permission of their partner, have sex with other men. In male-female relationships the woman is usually given most or all of the power. This, like most things we talk about on this blog, isn’t always the case of course.

The last time I was involved with a cuckolded couple, it was two men and at the time I didn’t know they were 1. in a relationship, and 2. were cuckolded. I was sleeping, fairly regularly, with one of the men and, oddly enough, it wasn’t until very recently that I found out that it was a cuckolded situation. Some people might be upset by something like that, being used or whatnot, me personally…I didn’t mind. I’ve sense spoken to both of them together and they are happy as can be. They both know the rules and follow them, as defined by their relationship.

So, apparently how it would work was as follows, I would fuck the one guy, and he would go home and tell his boyfriend all about it while his boyfriend fucked him. The cuckolded man in the relationship said to me, when I asked about it, “Hearing all of the hot, sexy things you did with him got me off like nothing else. I fuck him harder, longer, and better when being told that another man has had him. I get this need to reclaim what’s mine. You should try it sometime, you might be surprised.”

The other way it can work, so I’ve been told by others in cuckolded relationships, is that the cuckolded man will be in the room, watching their partner get fucked by someone else. This can take many different forms, most of them involving the cuckolded man being ultra submissive.

The thing that I think I would have the most trouble with is the idea of being submissive. I like being submissive sometimes in BDSM play, but in something like this…I don’t know that I could do it. I have a fairly big ego and the thought of being submissive to another man as he fucks my partner is unfathomable. Polyamory doesn’t bother me in the least, being submissive to another person who is fucking my partner though? No thanks.

As always, if you have questions or comments feel free to tell me below or shoot an email our way at himandhersexblog@gmail.com

Him


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Topic #25: Cuck(h)olding

Cuckold historically referred to a man with an adulterous wife. It has largely fallen out of use in the USA but remains in greater usage in Great Britain.  Elsewhere the term generally refers to a sexual fetish in which sexual gratification is gained from maintenance or observation of sexual relations by a woman with a man or a number of men besides her boyfriend, husband or long-term male sex partner. (See also Cuckquean)

History of the term

Cuckold derives from the cuckoo bird, alluding to the alleged habit of the female bird in changing its mate frequently and authentic practice of laying its eggs in other nests within its community.  The association is common in medieval folklore, literature, and iconography. The original old English was “kukewold”. It was borrowed from Old French “cuccault”, which was made up of “cuccu” (old French for the cuckoo bird itself) plus the pejorative suffix – “ault”, indicating the named person was being taken advantage of as by a cuckoo bird.

In medieval literature, the “kukewold” was almost universally scorned instead of the adulterous wife, they were viewed as worthless due to their physical stature and somehow at fault for the adulterous act. The word was chosen in an attempt to connote scorn.

Usage first appears about 1250 in the satirical and polemical poem “The Owl and the Nightingale” (l. 1544). The term was clearly regarded as embarrassingly direct, as evident in John Lydgate‘s “Fall of Princes” (ca. 1440).

The female equivalent cuckquean first appears in English literature in 1562, adding a female suffix to the “cuck”; Wittol, which substitutes “wete” (meaning witting or knowing) for the first part of the word, first appears in 1520 and means a man aware of and reconciled to his wife’s infidelity (in contrast to a cuckold, who by the original definition had been deceived by his wife).

Modern western culture tends to shun infidelity as something abhorrent to discuss, so the very existence of this word appears awkward to many and hence its use in modern days is very limited.

Medieval literature was much more focused on the subject of infidelity and subsequently the term was one of many coined to bring a vocabulary to the culture of the time.

Metaphor and symbolism

In Western traditions, cuckolds have sometimes been described as “wearing the horns of a cuckold” or just “wearing the horns”. This is an allusion to the mating habits of stags, who forfeit their mates when they are defeated by another male. (See the Italian insult cornuto). In French, the term is porter des cornes, which is used by Molière to describe someone whose consort has been unfaithful. Molière‘s L’École des femmes (1662) is the story of a man who mocks cuckolds and becomes one at the end. In Geoffrey Chaucer‘s Canterbury Tales (c.1372-77), the Miller’s Tale is a story that humorously examines the life of a cuckold. In Chinese usage, an altogether different allusion is used, when the cuckold (or wittol) is said to be “戴绿帽子” (wearing the green hat), which derives from the sumptuary laws used in China from the 13th to the 18th century which required the males in households with prostitutes to wrap their heads in a green scarf (or later a hat).

Cultural usage of horn metaphor

In many countries “horns” are a metaphor for suffering the infidelity of a partner, not limited to husbands in modern usage. The gesture of the horned hand can be used to insult the cuckold.

In China, green hats mean that the person is a cuckold. It is considered a cultural faux pas to give green hats to a Chinese person. American businesses should avoid giving green hats to Chinese clients. In the Middle East the term refers mainly to a husband whose wife is unfaithful with his consent. The term ‘Father of Horn ابو قرون ابا قرن’ is also used in some countries in the Persian Gulf area. But the word الدَّيُّوْث is the correct/appropriate and mostly used in the Arab world as it’s linked to the Islamic Sharia.

Cuckoldry as a fetish

A cuckold fetishist is aware of his spouse’s activity, most likely actively encouraging it, and derives sexual pleasure from it. Among fetishists, the pose of reluctance—the victimization of the cuckold—is a major element of the paraphilia. The cuckold is almost always male; the term for a female cuckold is sometimes referred to as a cuckquean but is not as prevalent in popular culture as the male version of the fetish.

In the fetish cuckolding subculture, the female takes on the role of being sexually dominant, while the man takes on a submissive role. The man usually only becomes involved with the woman or her lover when she permits it — sometimes remaining altogether celibate.

This fetish can be completely heterosexual in which the husband does not participate or only participates with his wife, as well as (but more rarely) bi-sexual, in which the husband participates with everyone, or makes contact with the other man’s semen.

The fetish specifics can range wildly, from loving treatment toward the cuckold to complete humiliation and debasement. The husband may also seek other women outside the relationship, as in a swinging lifestyle. However, very commonly a requirement for the fetish is that the cuckold is somehow humiliated, whether this is acted out to be intentional or as some sort of by-product of the situation (e.g., the parties involved are somehow too sexually aroused to stop). Therefore cuckolding usually involves acting out a story or ritual involving humiliating acts, events or circumstances; it is not simply wife-swapping, swinging or sharing a sexual partner.

The wife who enjoys cuckolding her husband is sometimes referred to as a hotwife or frequently cuckoldress if the male is more submissive.

Theories in psychology

Psychology regards cuckold fetishism as a variant of masochism, the cuckold deriving pleasure from being humiliated. In Freudian analysis, cuckold fetishism is the eroticization of the fears of infidelity and of failure in the male competition for procreation and the affection of females]. In his book Masochism and the Self, psychologist Roy Baumeister advanced a Self Theory analysis that cuckolding (and other forms of sexual masochism) among otherwise mentally healthy people was a form of escapism. In this theory, cuckold fetishists are relieving themselves of the stress of the burden of their social role and escaping into a simpler, less-expansive position.

According to these theories, the cuckold fetishist seeks pleasure both from the act of being humiliated, and by giving pleasure to his partner(s). But cuckolding can be summed psychologically as “distributing sexual humiliation to the cuckold”]. If a couple can keep the fantasy in the bedroom, or come to an agreement where actually being cuckolded in reality does not hurt the relationship, they may try it out in reality. However, the primary proponent of the fantasy is almost always the one being humiliated, or the “cuckold”, and he usually convince his partner to participate in the fantasy for him, though other “cuckolds” may prefer their partner to initiate the situation instead. Indeed, the fetish fantasy does not work at all if the cuckold is actually being humiliated against his will.

Humiliation is “the feeling of being put down, made to feel less than one feels oneself to be.” Psychologist Evelin Lindner calls humiliation “the nuclear bomb of the emotions.”, claiming it is an order of magnitude more powerful than any other, causing everything from interpersonal conflicts to international terrorism”. According to psychoanalysis, any feeling can become sexualized if it is somehow favorably associated with sex, especially in childhood. Because humiliation is such a powerful emotion, if an individual sexualizes it, he can in turn obtain intense sexual feelings.

Theories in evolutionary psychology

In his somewhat controversial book Sperm Wars, biologist Robin Baker speculated that the excitement and stimulation of the cuckolding fetish emerges from the biology of sexuality and the effects of sexual arousal on the brain, although it is important to note the word “cuckold” does not actually appear in the book “Sperm Wars”. According to one of his theories, Baker believes that when a man thinks that his female mate may have been sexual with another man, the man is prompted by biological urges to copulate with the female in an effort to “compete” with the other man’s sperm. Baker is also one of the few proponents of the theory of Killer Sperm, the idea that sperm compete not only for first access to the egg but by actually “attacking” other sperm. Although this idea appears frequently in cuckold fetish material, very few biologists share this view.

Baker and his proponents views conflict with the hypothesized foundations for sexual jealousy in evolutionary psychology, which is rooted in the idea that men, specifically, will react jealously to sexual infidelity on the parts of their mates. Infidelity is also the number one cause for divorce.


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Guest post: Topic #24: Transgender

Just gonna put my credentials out there: I’m a trans guy and the overwhelming majority of my sexual experiences have been with trans ladies.

It’s been covered over past posts, but I’m just going to repeat, communication is important! Whether trans or cis, it’s important to know what parts of your partner’s body they like and don’t like to have touched and what terms they’d prefer you to call their parts by. Being trans is not the signifier for whether or not someone wants to have their breasts/chest touched or wants to penetrate/be penetrated.

I don’t think I’m too abnormal for a trans guy in my preferences but they might not be what you’d expect. I like my breasts and nipples played with so I don’t always bind while having sex. I’d prefer the whole area to be called my chest but I don’t really care if you call them my breasts/boobs (just as long as you don’t call them titties). For downstairs, I’ll call that area my pussy/dick/cock interchangeably. I really dislike the term “front hole”.

When talking about oral I can call it “eating me out” or “sucking my cock”. And though some guys don’t like vaginal penetration, I love it. I also like to penetrate! Strappin’ on is fun, but it’s often awkward (the worst part is putting the apparatus on). But in a way you can feel like it’s a part of you. I even like receiving blow jobs on the strapped on cock.

Sexiness seriously is all in your head. As for my experiences with trans women, some no-op/pre-op dislike penetrating their partners or having their genitals touched at all. My trans female partners have even preferred penetrating me with a strap on. In my experience, trans women and trans men can be really sexually compatible. I like to be penetrated by my lady while we both take care of our gender stuff through dirty talk: my cock is fucking her pussy, because we say so!

Having sex with trans bodies makes you realize just how much of sex is emotional/mental. And now I must apologize to Him and Her and all you readers for the shortness of my post, because there’s a cute trans girl wiggling her butt at me…

Boy


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Her: Topic #24: Transgender

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! I hope that you’re all enjoying yourselves and having a good holiday.  Now on to this week’s topic: Transgender.

As some of you may know, Trans Awareness Week just ended with a beautiful vigil and procession.  This week is a hard one for a lot of us.  There is a lot of hate and violence towards the Trans community and being at the vigil really showed us all that there is so much more that we all need to do to band together and protect and love one another.

This week’s topic is kind of difficult for me to write about because there have been times throughout my life where I feel like I should be identifying as Transgender.  In high school, I came out as Transgender and began using male pronouns and binding.  I ended up “re-coming out” a semester later because of my loneliness and the fact that I didn’t know if my family would accept me completely.  I feel that my gender is fluid and I am not sure if I will come out as Trans again.  I’m not sure that I completely belong in that community and honestly, I have been so comfortable and content in my current identity that I’m not sure that I can handle coming out again.

I have a very accepting fiancée who doesn’t care what gender I am and is going to love and support me through it all.  I like that my nickname is so gender neutral, which leaves the possibility of picking out a male name open, but not a necessity.  When it comes to the considerations of surgery and hormones, I know that in the future I will get a breast reduction because of my spine curvatures and my chronic back pain.  I’m happy that I have these issues because I can also make my breasts smaller so that I like them more and if I chose to bind, they would be concealed easier.  I know that I can’t afford a reduction any time soon and I’m not sure that hormones or bottom surgery will ever be an option or a necessary part of my journey.

I love how close and engaged the Trans community is in Tucson.  There were so many events and programs that went on this last week that celebrated being a part of our gender galaxy.  Seeing how everyone is so accepting and present in the community is really encouraging.  I’m really glad that I was a Chair person for Trans Awareness Week for my internship with Pride Alliance.  I met some wonderful and inspirational people.  I am also very saddened by how many names were read off at our vigil.  The people that we all discussed are just a fraction of the beautiful souls that were taken from us this year. I just hope that one day, we won’t need to have any more vigils and tears don’t need to be shed.

Her


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Him: Topic #24: Transgender

If you took a look at the info post this week, you know that the blanket topic “Transgender” is multifaceted and not just a little bit controversial. I will say only that on tuesday I attended the University of Arizona’s event for Transgender Day of Remembrance and some of the things I heard that night were not only disturbing, but disheartening as well. I’ll not spend a lot of time on this, but when there are over 200 transgendered men and women that have been killed THIS YEAR worldwide, there is a major problem. We were asked if we would like to read a name of a trans person who had been killed, I heard ages of murdered individuals ranging from 13-50. The person who’s name I was asked to read was Thapelo Makutle who in June of 2012 was killed by having her throat slit, being partially decapitated, and having her genitals stuffed into her mouth. This needs to stop.

Alright, now that I have my public service announcement out of the way lets talk Transgendered folks and sex, because that is what this blog is about after all. Until this year I never thought of myself as the kind of guy who would ever find himself attracted to anyone that wasn’t a Cis-man. If you notice, I used that word ‘until’ in that last sentence, meaning that this last semester my views on the subject have changed radically.

This is the first time that I’m publicly stating the rather recently discovered shift in my sexual and romantic orientations. Sexually speaking I would call myself Pansexual, meaning that I can find myself sexually attracted to just about anyone regardless of their sex (which means the anatomy they were born with), if you’d like some more information on pansexuality, we did a whole week on the subject! (Him Her Info). Romantically I’ve discovered that I’m Bi-romantic, a term I’d never heard before this last semester. I’m still predominately attracted to, both romantically and sexually, cis-men (which means male men who identify as male). That being said, I’m currently very much into pants at the moment, which won’t mean a whole lot to most of you, but that’s none of your business now is it?

Now, I know what you’re asking yourself right now, how does any of that relate to this weeks topic? The answer is very simple, as this semester I’ve found myself intensely sexually attracted to both FtoM and MtoF individuals. I came to the realization that I could care less what their bodies were physically, it was all about the emotional connection. At this point I’ve not yet slept with a transgendered person, but when I do, I know it’ll be an amazing experience…as nearly all sexual forays should be.

Now you might be asking yourself the same kinds of questions I was asking myself when I came to the realization that there was a very real chance that I could end up being sexually intimate with a trans, in this case, man. If you would like a very nice primer on the basics of bring in a relationship with a trans anything in a sexual way, read this: Splat!. If you are one of those people who read this blog but don’t much feel like looking at that link, that took me forever to find I’ll have you know, then the basics are this:

1. Call his “top” his Chest. That’s what it will be both before and after surgery should they decide to have said surgery.
2. Call his genitals as his “Junk” or his “Package” the author recommends avoiding the use of “sex talk”, I on the other hand recommend asking your partner what he/she wants his/her genitals to be referred as.
3. TALK TO YOUR PARTNER ABOUT WHAT IS, AND ISN’T, OK IN BED! 

If you follow those three rules, you’ll be golden. If those three are just too hard to remember, only remember number three, it being the most important one up there.

The last thing I would like to leave you with is a poem by Gabe Moses called “How to make love to a Trans Person”: If you would like to see the poet perform this piece, you can find it here (it made me cry): Beautypersonified

Forget the images you’ve learned to attach
To words like cock and clit,
Chest and breasts.
Break those words open
Like a paramedic cracking ribs
To pump blood through a failing heart.
Push your hands inside.
Get them messy.
Scratch new definitions on the bones.

Get rid of the old words altogether.
Make up new words.
Call it a click or a ditto.
Call it the sound he makes
When you brush your hand against it through his jeans,
When you can hear his heart knocking on the back of his teeth
And every cell in his body is breathing.
Make the arch of her back a language
Name the hollows of each of her vertebrae
When they catch pools of sweat
Like rainwater in a row of paper cups
Align your teeth with this alphabet of her spine
So every word is weighted with the salt of her.

When you peel layers of clothing from his skin
Do not act as though you are changing dressings on a trauma patient
Even though it’s highly likely that you are.
Do not ask if she’s “had the surgery.”
Do not tell him that the needlepoint bruises on his thighs look like they hurt
If you are being offered a body
That has already been laid upon an altar of surgical steel
A sacrifice to whatever gods govern bodies
That come with some assembly required
Whatever you do,
Do not say that the carefully sculpted landscape
Bordered by rocky ridges of scar tissue
Looks almost natural.

If she offers you breastbone
Aching to carve soft fruit from its branches
Though there may be more tissue in the lining of her bra
Than the flesh that rises to meet itLet her ripen in your hands.
Imagine if she’d lost those swells to cancer,
Diabetes,
A car accident instead of an accident of genetics
Would you think of her as less a woman then?
Then think of her as no less one now.

If he offers you a thumb-sized sprout of muscle
Reaching toward you when you kiss him
Like it wants to go deep enough inside you
To scratch his name on the bottom of your heart
Hold it as if it can-
In your hand, in your mouth
Inside the nest of your pelvic bones.
Though his skin may hardly do more than brush yours,
You will feel him deeper than you think.

Realize that bodies are only a fraction of who we are
They’re just oddly-shaped vessels for hearts
And honestly, they can barely contain us
We strain at their seams with every breath we take
We are all pulse and sweat,
Tissue and nerve ending
We are programmed to grope and fumble until we get it right.
Bodies have been learning each other forever.
It’s what bodies do.
They are grab bags of parts
And half the fun is figuring out
All the different ways we can fit them together;
All the different uses for hipbones and hands,
Tongues and teeth;
All the ways to car-crash our bodies beautiful.
But we could never forget how to use our hearts
Even if we tried.
That’s the important part.
Don’t worry about the bodies.
They’ve got this.

Have a great Thanksgiving y’all,

Him