Him and Her Sex Blog

We talk about sex and sexuality


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Break

Hi all, 

Unfortunately we are going to have to extend our hiatus from posting a little further than expected. Hopefully it won’t be too long of a break though. Stay tuned for further updates!

-Her

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Her: Topic #4

This topic can be touchy for some, so I am going to try to respond while being sensitive to people who have been affected by sexual assault. I myself do not know a lot about sexual assault, and I am definitely not an expert on the topic or statistics, so I am going to try to respond directly to the stats provided in the topic post. I remember back in high school people came to educate us about it once or twice, but that was several years ago. 

I think that sexual assault is one of the worst crimes, and it is especially awful that 73% of female sexual assaults were done by someone they knew. I am however not surprised that 92% of sexual assault victims were female though, because it is my guess that a lot of males do not report sexual assault, due to thinking people would react negatively. 

One statistic I was surprised by though was that, of the 11% of rapes involving a weapon, the use of a knife was higher than a gun. I wouldn’t think that people would use a knife more often than a gun. 

With all of this being said I think that if anyone experiences a sexual assault or rape, they should definitely report it and get help immediately. It is nothing to be ashamed of and there are people out there who can help you get through it.


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Him: Topic #4

I’ve started and erased this post at least five times. This Topic is a difficult one for me to write about, and yet not, at the same time. You see, I’m a molestation survivor and a trained sexual assault prevention educator, so I feel like there’s a rather large responsibility on my shoulders to write a very well thought out post. What I think I’m going to do is just write from my heart. 

This is a very serious topic for me and many many others. I was doing a little bit of research, because I tend to do stuff like…ya know….research on topics that catch my eye or have some real meaning to me. In this case the topic of molestation hits home because, you guessed it, I was molested starting from the age of about 7 or 8. 

Like I was saying, I was doing a little bit of research and found out some really surprising things. For instance, did you know that there are an estimated 3 million children molested in the United state each year. Think about that for a second, 3 million children. I’m sure your thinking something along the lines of, “But most of them get help and are saved from something as terrible as being molested….right?” 

Wrong. In 1998 for example there were about 103,000 reported and confirmed cases of child molestation in the U.S. That means something like 900,000 children who were being violated were NOT rescued, were not helped. This is not alright. This is, in my opinion, disgraceful. 

I don’t know, and really can’t know what the reasons for all those other children not coming forward are. I do however know from my own experience why I didn’t come forward. The simple answer would be that I was afraid, not only of the man that was doing the molesting, but also of how I would be looked at and treated if someone found out. 

The last part of that statement is what really bothers me, I was afraid of how everyone else would treat me after they found out. I knew that my mom would love me no matter what, I knew that my family would understand and show me compassion. My friends though? Are you kidding me? I could never let them know. I could never let my teachers or parent’s friends or anyone else for that matter know what I was going through, what had and was being done to me. 

I already felt dirty, worthless, and broken. What would everyone else think? Would they think I was unclean? That I was disgusting? Would they shun me and turn their backs on me and push me away because I was the freak that had been contaminated by a monster? These were all questions that I asked myself. These were all questions that were answered, at least back then, by the people around me. 

I remember very clearly in Middle school having a guest speaker in one of our classes that was talking about Molestation and Sexual Assault. I remember how the boys in the class, many of whom I called my friends, snickered and outright insulted the stories of men that had been raped, male children that had been molested. To them it meant one thing, and one thing only, If you were molested or raped by another man, you were a fag, queer, homo, ect. 

I vividly remember that inside I felt two strong, and utterly contrasting emotions at the same time.  One was a heart stopping dread, fear coursed through my very core, I could never let these people know what was going on. They would ridicule me and make me feel worthless. The second emotion was Blinding Rage, How dare these people, most of which I’m sure had never experienced these terrible things, laugh and call those victims names? How was that alright? The simple answer was that it wasn’t. 

That it was wrong didn’t change the fact that the way people acted wasn’t going to change. I suppose that some people would say that it’s in our nature as humans to mock and ridicule that which we don’t understand. Even if it’s at the expense of those around us that might be suffering already. 

Something needs to be done about this. Something needs to change in the way things like molestation are spoken about, not something that whispered among adults and never fully explained to children. It should be something that is spoken about often, that is taught to young people early on so that they might avoid ever feeling isolated if something like this happens to them. In ever aspect of life people should be accepted, and topics such as this one should be explained and made out as a reality, not something that could/would “Never happen to me/someone I know.” 

I’m still dealing with some of the issues that developed from my being molested, and to be quite honest I’ll probably be working through these things for the rest of my life. It took the man that was hurting me dying, and my own frustration with the ridicule I was hearing everywhere to come forward and say to anyone that would listen, “I was molested, and if it happened to you, or is happening to you, tell someone. You aren’t alone.” 

So I say to my readers, You aren’t alone. There are people that have gone through the same things and are alright now. There are people that can protect you and keep you safe, people that can help you heal. I would ask those of you that read this and haven’t been touched by the dark shadow of molestation to help inform your friends, let people know that this is a real problem. This is something that you can get help for. 

Most of all readers, Let yourself be one of the people that can help. 

Thank you.   


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Topic #4: Sexual Assault

WARNING: This weeks topic can be considered sensitive to some readers.

Sexual assault is an assault of a sexual nature on another person, or any sexual act committed without consent. The term sexual assault is used, in public discourse, as a generic term that is defined as any involuntary sexual act in which a person is threatened, coerced, or forced to engage against their will, or any sexual touching of a person who has not consented. This includes rape (such as forced vaginal, anal or oral penetration), inappropriate touching, forced kissing, child sexual abuse, or the torture of the victim in a sexual manner.

Sexual assault can be verbal, visual, or anything that forces a person to join in unwanted sexual contact or attention. Examples of this are voyeurism (when someone watches private sexual acts), exhibitionism (when someone exposes him/herself in public), incest (sexual contact between family members), and sexual harassment. It can happen in different situations:  in the home by someone you know, on a date, or by a stranger in an isolated place.

The law generally assumes that a person does not consent to sexual conduct if he or she is forced, threatened or is unconscious, drugged, a minor, developmentally disabled, chronically mentally ill, or believe they are undergoing a medical procedure.

Some examples of sexual assault include:

Someone putting their finger, tongue, mouth, penis or an object in or on your vagina, penis or anus when you don’t want them to;

Someone touching, fondling, kissing or making any unwanted contact with your body;

Someone forcing you to perform oral sex or forcing you to receive oral sex;

Someone forcing you to masturbate, forcing you to masturbate them, or fondling and touching you;

Someone forcing you to look at sexually explicit material or forcing you to pose for sexually explicit pictures; and

A doctor, nurse, or other health care professional giving you an unnecessary internal examination or touching your sexual organs in an unprofessional, unwarranted and inappropriate manner. 

Statistics: 

In 2005, 92 percent of rape or sexual assault victims were female; those 16-19 years old had the highest rate of sexual victimization of any age group.  A total of 191,670 rapes and/or sexual assaults were experienced by victims 12 years old or older (Shannan M. Catalano, 2005).

Of female sexual assault victims, 73 percent were assaulted by someone they knew, and 26 percent were assaulted by a stranger.  Thirty-eight percent of women assaulted by a known offender were friends or acquaintances of the rapist, and 28 percent were intimate partners (Shannan M. Catalano, 2005).

Under 39 percent of all rapes and sexual assaults were reported to law enforcement (Shannan M. Catalano, 2005). Sexual assault is one of the most underreported crimes, with males being the least likely to report a sexual assault (RAINN, 2005).

Recent research has found that rape survivors who had the assistance of an advocate were significantly more likely to have police reports taken and were less likely to be treated negatively by police officers. These women also reported that they experienced less distress after their contact with the legal system (Rebecca Campbell, 2006).

Between 1999 and 2000, all rapes, 39 percent of attempted rapes, and 17 percent of sexual assaults against females resulted in injuries.  Most victims did not receive treatment for their injuries (Callie Rennison, 2006).

In 2004, there was a 50% increase in victim compensations paid for forensic sexual assault exams compared to 2003 (National Association of Crime Victim Compensation Boards, FY 2004).

More than 50% of all rape/sexual assault incidents were reported by victims to have occured within 1 mile of their home or at their home.

4 in 10 take place at the victim’s home.

2 in 10 take place at the home of a friend, neighbor, or relative.

1 in 12 take place in a parking garage.

43% of rapes occur between 6:00pm and midnight.

24% occur between midnight and 6:00am.

The other 33% take place between 6:00am and 6:00pm.

The Offender: 

  1. The average age of a rapist is 31 years old.
  2. 52% are white.
  3. 22% of imprisoned rapists report that they are married.
  4. Juveniles accounted for 16% of forcible rape arrestees in 1995 and 17% of those arrested for other sex offenses.
  5. In 1 in 3 sexual assaults, the perpetrator was intoxicated — 30% with alcohol, 4% with drugs.
  6. In 2001, 11% of rapes involved the use of a weapon — 3% used a gun, 6% used a knife, and 2 % used another form of weapon.
  7. 84% of victims reported the use of physical force only.

Possible Physical Effects of Sexual Assault:

  • Pain
  • Injuries
  • Nausea
  • Vomiting
  • Headaches

Possible Emotional/Psychological Effects of Sexual Assault:

  • Shock/denial
  • Irritability/anger
  • Depression
  • Social withdrawal
  • Numbing/apathy (detachment, loss of caring)
  • Restricted affect (reduced ability to express emotions)
  • Nightmares/flashbacks
  • Difficulty concentrating
  • Diminished interest in activities or sex
  • Loss of self-esteem
  • Loss of security/loss of trust in others
  • Guilt/shame/embarrassment
  • Impaired memory
  • Loss of appetite
  • Suicidal ideation (thoughts of suicide and death)
  • Substance Abuse
  • Psychological disorders

Victims of sexual assault often experience a number of common effects. These may include: 

  • Flashbacks
  • Nightmares
  • Difficulty falling or staying asleep
  • Anger and rage
  • Difficulty concentrating
  • Hypervigilence
  • Anxiety and panic
  • Self-blame, guilt, and shame
  • Emotional numbing

If an Individual is Sexually Assaulted

It is important that the victim of sexual assault understand that no matter where they were, the time of day or night assaulted, what they were wearing, or what they said or did, if they did not want the sexual contact, then the assault was in no way their fault. Persons who commit sexual assault do so out of a need to control, dominate, abuse and humiliate. Sexual assault is the articulation of aggression through sex, and has little to do with passion, lust, desire, or sexual arousal.

Whatever the reaction, it may be helpful for the victim of sexual assault to call a friend, relative, partner, the police, or an advocate specifically trained in assisting victims of sexual assault. Some prosecutor’s offices, police departments, and every local sexual assault program have trained advocates who work with sexual assault victims and can provide a variety of services including:

  • Accompaniment to the hospital, during the rape exam and to the police station;
  • Information about reporting procedures and what to expect;
  • Legal advocacy and court accompaniment;
  • Emergency crisis intervention, counseling and referrals;
  • Counseling for the victim’s partner, spouse or family;
  • Assistance in finding care for children; and
  • Information about sexually transmitted diseases, HIV and pregnancy testing.

Immediately after an assault, it is most important that the victim find a safe place, such as a neighbor or friend’s house, police station, or hospital. If the assault occurred in the home, the house should be secured as soon as possible by locking all the doors and windows. If a survivor is hurt, it is imperative to immediately dial 911 to request an ambulance or have a trusted friend or relative transport the survivor to the nearest medical facility for evaluation and treatment.

Reporting the Assault(s)

The decision to report a sexual assault lies within the discretion of the sexual assault survivor. If a sexual assault survivor plans to report the assault to law enforcement, it is crucial for evidentiary reasons that they do not:

  • Shower, bathe, or douche;
  • Throw away any clothes that were worn at the time of the assault;
  • Brush or comb their hair;
  • Use the restroom;
  • Brush their teeth or gargle;
  • Put on makeup;
  • Clean or straighten up the crime scene; and
  • Eat or drink anything.
What to do for a Victim of Sexual Assault:
Sexual assault affects not only the victim, but the loved ones and family of the survivor, as well as the community. Family members and friends many times not only have to help their loved one manage the aftereffects of the assault but also have to deal with their own feelings about the victimization of someone they care about. Those that live with the survivor may become concerned about their security and may have similar feelings and responses as those the survivor experiences. Family members in some communities can find support groups for loved ones of those who have been victims of sexual assault. The immediate neighborhood as well may be affected by the victimization of their neighbor and become more concerned about their personal safety. They may respond to the assault(s) by establishing a neighborhood watch program or installing better street lighting. Professionals in the community who have direct contact with the survivor may develop protocols, or guidelines for response, to sexual assault victims to ensure the needs of survivors are being addressed within their respective agencies.

To be of assistance to a survivor one should:

  • Listen without judging;
  • Let them know the assault(s) was not their fault;
  • Let them know they did what was necessary to prevent further harm;
  • Reassure the survivor that he or she is cared for and loved;
  • Encourage the sexual assault victim to seek medical attention;
  • Encourage the survivor to talk about the assault(s) with an advocate, mental health professional or someone they trust; and
  • Let them know they do not have to manage this crisis alone.
Preventing Sexual Assault:
  • Take care at all times to identify people and situations that may lead to sexual assault. The chances of being a victim can be lowered by following these practices:
  • Train in self-defense.
  • Use common sense in choosing the people you associate with.
  • Avoid potentially dangerous situations when outside or in your house (answering the door) and when interacting with strangers anywhere.
  • Avoid intimate or solo contact with people that you do not know well.
  • If a person is making unwelcome sexual advances, no matter how minor, take action in the earliest stages and make every effort to disassociate from that person.
  • Use self-control when drinking alcohol.
  • At social events, be careful about what you consume and who has access to your drinks. 
  • Avoid extreme intoxication in which you lose control, especially when you are not in a protected environment.
  • Adopt an approach in dating and getting to know people that involves postponing being alone together, intimacy, and sexual interaction until you feel you have gotten to know the person very well.
  • When intimacy is initiated between consenting parties, make limitations on what you want to do known, make them clear early in the encounter, and send clear messages to the other person about your feelings.
  • Think about how you would react in an assault situation in advance and use that plan early and without reservation.

Resources: 

Main Office 

1600 N. Country Club, Tucson, AZ 85716

Business: (520) 327-1171 

Fax: (520) 327-2992

Su Voz Vale

101 W. Irvington, Office 4-A, Tucson, AZ 85714

Business: (520) 434-0195 

Fax: (520) 434-0248

Nogales Office

1790 W. Mastick Way, Suite D

Nogales, AZ 85621

Business: (520) 604-1843

24-hour Crisis Line: (520) 327-7273

Toll Free (Southern Arizona): 1-800-400-1001

TTY: (520) 327-1721

National Sexual Assault Hotline – 1.800.656.HOPE

Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN)

2000 L Street, NW

Suite 406

Washington, DC 20036

phone: 202.544.3064

fax: 202.544.3556

info@rainn.org

Sources: 

http://www.emedicinehealth.com/sexual_assault/page5_em.htm

http://www.commerce.wa.gov/site/261/default.aspx

http://www.ncvc.org/ncvc/main.aspx?dbName=DocumentViewer&DocumentID=32369#2

http://www.sacasa.org/index.html

http://www.womenshealth.gov/publications/our-publications/fact-sheet/sexual-assault.cfm#a

http://www.rainn.org/get-information/statistics/sexual-assault-offenders

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_assault#Types


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I'm 14 and about to have sex with my girlfriend for the first time. I'm a girl. I want everything to go great the first time so what should I do to make that happen? Is there any way for me to make sure that we both have an orgasm? I'm really nervous.

Dear (Another) Anonymous Girl, 

I think it is really nice of you for caring about having your first time go just right. To be honest though, there is a good chance it won’t be just as you imagined. 

With that being said, I think that you and your girlfriend just need to be open with each other and tell each other if something is not feeling good. 

As far as you both achieving an orgasm, do you masturbate? If so, what gets you off then? If you know what you like tell her! And you could ask her if she likes anything in particular too. If you still have nothing to go off of, just experiment and have fun. 

Everybody gets nervous, but just stay calm and communicate with your partner. 

Hope all goes well!

-Her